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Stephen Lim, CPA, CA
Henry Yan, CPA, CA

The Ascent Team
Suite 105- 3380 Maquinna Drive
Vancouver, BC
V5S 4C6, Canada
info@ascentteam.com
Tel. 604.291-0366
Fax. 604.291.0367
 

Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

*****

A fellow has been learning to be a balloonist and takes his first solo flight. Unfortunately the wind gets up, he is blown off course and is forced to land. He is in a paddock close to a road but has no idea where he is. He sees a car coming along the road and hails it. The driver gets out and the balloonist says, "Can you tell me where I am?'.

"Yes, of course", says the motorist. "You have just landed in your balloon and with this wind you have obviously been blown off course. You are in the top paddock on John Dawson's farm, 13.5 kilometres from Canowindra. John will be ploughing the paddock next week and sowing wheat. There is a bull in the paddock. It is behind you and about to attack you."

At that moment the bull reaches the balloonist and tosses him over the fence. Luckily he is unhurt. He gets up, dusts himself off and says to the motorist, "I see you're an accountant".

"Good Grief", says the other man, "you're right. How did you know that?"

The balloonist says, "The information you gave me was detailed, precise and accurate. Most of it was useless and it arrived far too late to be of any help."

*****

The company owner is dying and calls in his lawyer and his accountant. The owner says: "I am dying and I want to take my money with me. At my funeral put these envelopes in my coffin". So at the funeral, the lawyer and the accountant put the envelopes in the coffin. But, on the way home the lawyer felt bad and told the accountant that he had opened the envelope, found one hundred thousand in cash and had taken fifty thousand out. The lawyer had justified that as his fee, but now he felt bad. The accountant responded: "How could you have disregarded a dying man's last request? How could you charge a fee of fifty percent? You should be ashamed of yourself. Then, the lawyer reacted: "What did you do? You gave him all his money?" The accountant repied: "Yes, I gave him all his money, but I left a personal check for the full amount".

*****

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire. "What sort of accountant are you?" says St Peter. "Public Practitioner," is the reply. "Name?" He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out. "Oh, yes. We've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted span," says St Peter. "How can that be?" says the accountant, "I'm too young to go. I'm only forty-eight" "No, that's impossible." "Why do you say that?" says the accountant. "Well we've been looking at your time sheets and the hours you've charged your clients. By our reckoning you're at least ninety three."

*****

Two accountancy students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second accountant replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want.", so I took the bike.

The first accountant nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't fit."

*****


An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The accountant said, "I like both." "Both?" The accountant replied "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."

*****

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

*****

An accountant was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week". The accountant took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the accountant took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The accountant said, "Look I'm an accountant. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

 

*****


A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of Divisional Manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two"? The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two." The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999999 and 4.000001. The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four. The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?" The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?" He got the job.

*****

Top 10 Signs You Work in Public Accounting / Consulting:

10.

You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process

9.

You get all excited its Saturday so you can wear casual clothes to work

8.

You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables

7.

You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living

6.

You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week

5.

You wear gray to work instead of navy blue to make a bold fashion statement

4.

You know the people at the airport and hotel better than your next door neighbors

3.

Ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans

2.

You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix

1.

You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock

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